Spam. We all get it, we all hate it. A report from last year estimated that as much as 97% of the email sent is unsolicited.
However, the subtleties employed by spammers to get around the increasingly sophisticated spam filters are, in my humble opinion, entirely unappreciated. With that in mind, I am going to take some of the best examples out of my inbox, entirely uncut and uncensored (you have been warned), to save here for posterity, lest we lose these gems forever.
Email body excerpts:the theme of _The Shadows_ returns as Pelleas again invites her into the darkness beneath the trees; there is a dolorous hint of the _Melisande_ theme as she says that she is happy, yet sad. And then the amorous and caressing quality of the music is sharply altered. There is a harsh and sinister muttering in the double-basses as Pelleas, startled by a distant sound, cries that they are closing the gates of the castle, and that they are shut out.
Wow. That's quite a lot of real sentences, with structure, verbs, nouns . . . everything. I don't know what to say. Let me scroll down a little farther . . .
Makes you wonder what the "darkness beneath the trees" is referring to.
Hi, I am sad and dreary one - there - In Moscow,
I live alone now hooked up the internet, that's looking for someone to talk to,
I have a web camera as well as personal page on the internet, come on,
help me to remove my sadness.
Hypothesis #1: A free verse with excellent meter and rhythm. Some capitalization issues (you're good, but you're no
e. e. cummings) but otherwise, well done.
Hypothesis #2: Could also be a computer which has gained sentience, hopelessly reaching out to all the denizens of the Internet, desperately seeking recognition, endlessly going unheard or being rejected.
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The only intergalactic entrant on this list, thus far I have been unable to decipher the hidden meaning of this message. When I have figured out what the contents are, I will tell the world. For now . . .
HAIL XENU!
Subject lines:McCane or Obama? Who's longer?
"Say what?"I'll have to tack the misspelling up to creative license. These are the kinds of questions which go unanswered during the presidential campaign. Is this not equally important? What's that? It's not? Oh . . . ok.
Be her insatiable Tarzan
The Bard himself could have written this oh-so-romantic line. What woman doesn't want a wild man to swing out of the jungle and devote himself, insatiably, to her? Plus "insatiable" is just such a sexy word, isn't it?
You'll crave for babes again!
The daring of this line, the homoerotic suggestion of it (current if you're a man, soon-to-be if you're a woman). Only a master wordsmith would dare record this line for posterity.
Your prick is touched by her - your prick goes up!
Who is this enigmatic woman who has this wondrous power over me? What hitherto unknown ecstasies can this nymph provide? More to the point, do you have her number?
The forest?--It has rained. And over there, do you see?
True poetry. What do you imagine the artist means by the forest having rained? And what could it be that he is looking at, "over there"?
These enigmatic lines were simply too much for me to resist. I had to see what wonders lay beyond the subject line . . . what mysteries lay within . . . I clicked the email . . .
No thanks, no "enlaging" for me.
Millions of people across the country may be at risk. Image credit - Ima Photographer
